I am honored to have my friend and former colleague, Jessica Romano, share her views on motherhood. I am always appreciative of mothers who let their guards down and share real emotions. We have so much to learn from each other if we allow ourselves to be true. Thank you, Jess.
I doubt myself every day. I wonder if I am doing it “right”; am I making “good” choices; will my kids “turn out ok?”
I think parenting brings on a wave of self-doubt. All of the decisions once made are now about your children and their well-being – and there is no handbook to follow or to reassure you. I once heard someone say,” Kids are like flowers: sprinkle some water on them, give them some love and watch them blossom.”
I don’t think this is too far from the truth. As a teacher, I always say, “There is freedom within structure.” I apply this to rules and explicit boundaries, within which children can explore, make mistakes, learn and feel safe. I think this applies to the structure of love with my own children. Life is ever-changing, even the rules change as the kids get older, but the love is always consistent. It is always there…
To me, the sprinkling of love is like Miracle Grow to a flower or a plant. It is the nutrition that makes the roots grow downward and deep into the soil, creating a foundation for a beautiful bud to bloom. As a parent my love is what builds the resilience in my own two kids, allowing them to be out in the world, endure the wind, the rain, the elements of weather and still turn to find the sunshine and bloom.
I can’t predict the future, nor can I prevent every bump, bruise or obstacle that my children will face. Nor do I want to. My love is the fuel that allows my kids to enjoy the ride of life. If I protect them too much for fear of mistake or failure, I will prevent the hurdles that teach them to be resilient or cope with the reality of life. That being said, I can certainly be heard saying, “No higher than the 5th branch in the tree, Sophie.”; “Ben, no farther than the second break in the waves.” Limits, limits are good. Structure, structure is good. There is freedom within structure. The freedom to live and become who we are.
Sophie was born in fours hours. Ben was born in an hour and twenty-one minutes. I have two kids that keep me on my toes. There isn’t much down time in the day for a mom who works full time and has two kids. I have goals. I look ahead and plan for the future as best as I can, knowing full well that everything could change in the blink of an eye.
Mostly, I live in the moment…in the crazy moment of every day. Life is less about the unfinished construction in my house, the bathroom that needs paint. I try to remember the structure of love and that I cannot predict the future, nor can I pave the road ahead for my children. However, I can do my best to handle each moment with grace and integrity, teaching my kids to navigate emotionally and verbally. I can help them develop healthy coping skills and teach them how to circumvent a wall when it is not meant to be climbed over. I can teach them resilience. I can help them have patience with each other, deal with frustration, validate anger and ride a whole wave of emotion. I can teach them to talk to and with each other. I think this is the Miracle Grow of life…for me, in what I believe.
I can teach my kids that love is the scaffolding of life. The world is for them to climb and explore and create opportunity…that there is freedom within structure and that each road chosen leads to a different path. The destination may be the same, or it may not. If they try and know that each mistake made, is something new that is learned, they are developing skills that will last them a lifetime.
I wasn’t always like this. I’ve hit a few hurdles myself that have taught me to breathe. So when I doubt myself as a mom and think that I am screwing it all up, I remember moments and what my kids have said to me: “I love you so much, Mom, and I’m so proud of you everyday”, repeating my good night kiss and words back to me. I think of times when Sophie has said, “Thanks, Mom, for helping me try out my dreams,” or when Ben has said, “Thanks for making my dreams come true.”
My favorite one: “Thank you for listening to me, Mom, I feel so much better now and I can fall asleep.”
I know that when hearing those words, I am not screwing anything up. I am raising two kids who are learning to love, and who feel loved.
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About Jessica Romano
I am the incredibly lucky mom to two children, Sophie, almost 12 and Ben, 9. We have a dog that grew to be 30 pounds bigger than we thought and three hamsters. Mayhem, but fun! I am buckled in for this adventure they call life. I like to tell my kids, “Make a new mistake each day and learn something new.” As a Learning Specialist who works full time, I know that the mistakes, the hurdles, the bumps in the road and the smiles are the best teachers.
You can often find us climbing trees, surfing waves, mountain biking, laughing hysterically at movies and eating tasty barbecued food.
