This morning my doctor called me. She told me that without medical care I would have bled to death. Her words have been on repeat in my head all day. I texted my husband this sentence and he said “Of course, 100 years ago you would have died.” Sobering. So let’s back up. How did I let my health get to the point of an emergency surgery last week? I am a mom. A mom who put everyone before herself, but in doing so I had become so unhealthy that I was no longer fully present for my kids. I was no longer present for myself.
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When I shared I had an emergency hysterectomy and blood transfusion on my Facebook pages a common theme began to emerge. The theme was a collective nod of the head and understanding that as mothers we do not put ourselves first. We don’t take care of ourselves.
I probably have not felt 100% healthy since this photo was taken 5 years ago. I pushed my body to its breaking point and it broke.
I cringe when people call me “super mom” or when they tell me they feel guilty for not doing all of our posts on Pinterest. Because it is not reality. When I was posting this on Instagram I was rushing home to put my feet up because I was having uterine hemorrhaging. But this isn’t a post about blaming social media. I love the community of parents and educators (and advocates for children) that I have created on Facebook. This is a post about what happened when I ignored all advice and didn’t take care of myself. This is a post about what happened when I tried to do it all.
As I gripped my sink at 3am Thursday morning and saw a face in the mirror that was completely white I knew I was in trouble, and yet I suffered a few more hours in order to get my kids to school and to my parents’ house. And that is how I ended up in the Emergency Room with blood soaking my hospital gown and the woman entering the room with a mop looking at the blood splattered ground and exclaiming “Oh. My. God.” And that’s when I gave up. I saw the relief in my doctor’s eyes when she was about to start to convince me to get a hysterectomy and I said, “I give up. It’s ok. You don’t have to convince me. I’m done.”
In that moment I realized giving up was not failure. Giving up was strength.
In the hours that would pass I would lose an additional two pints of blood during the surgery and my blood pressure would drop to 78/32. As I lay in my hospital bed lacking the energy to even lift my arm a sense of relief and clarity poured over me.
I’m calling it quits on the perfection of motherhood.
I give up
worrying if people think I am a great mom. I am a great mom. I am flawed. I am tired. I mess up. But I love my kids with all my heart.
I give up
trying to make my house look like a magazine. Our couches are 12 years old and ugly, but perfect for jumping on. No one in our home has real bed frames and half my walls have 2 year old artwork covering them. Eventually I will transform it, but for now I give up.
I give up
comparing my body to other mothers. I give up feeling badly when others publicly celebrate fitting into their high school jeans. I will get and stay healthy for me and me alone.
And as I say I give up I am free. I am strong. I am me.
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Lovely in its truthfulness – thank you so much for sharing what was going through your mind during a scary time. I’m glad that you’re healing up now. Sometimes we have to say no or give up things in order to be strong. Now I just need to take your advice and do the same 🙂
Thank you so much Mary Catherine. Yes there is much power in saying no.
Tears in my eyes! I’m so happy you are on the road to recovery.
Thank you Jodie. So glad you liked the piece.
Wow – thank you for sharing this Meredith. This is a message that everyone needs to hear. Feel good, mama.
Thank you so much Lauren. Getting better by the day.
Good for you!! My philosophy is…you don’t get a medal for making life harder!
I see all these moms making mini muffins and driving all over for ORGANIC FULL FAT GREEK YOGURT!
Sometimes, it’s gonna be a freezer waffle (hey, at least it’s whole grain!) with fruit puree on it…and if I can hit 2 of the 3 yogurt must haves (it might not be organic, ok? And it might be the house brand, gasp!) I feel pretty good.
Do less! Enjoy more!
Glad you are on the road to health. 🙂
I love that philosophy! And so true. Simply cutting corners on ordering a pizza once a week has done me so much good. And of course its my kids favorite meal 🙂
We have pizza every Friday night… we live in Connecticut – it’s like the state food, right? And Mom is relieved from kitchen duty on the weekends. My husband grills or we go out or pick up (healthyish) take-out.
We all deserve breaks here and there – you can’t take care of your family if you don’t take care of you! Glad you are on the mend!
So true! I am plagued by the worst mama guilt. I am my harshest critic. I also genuinely love to make food from scratch and do all the activities we do, BUT with three young children I need to put some things on the back burner or I will go crazy and burn out.
Beautifully written, Meredith! I’m so glad you’re recovering. And I applaud your decision to give up on the perfection of motherhood. Our imperfections often help children develop a greater number of positive character traits (such as self-motivation) than if we were “perfect” anyway. Blessings to you and your family.
So true Deb! I am definitely my worst critic. I have let go of so many of those personal critiques this week and it feels amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write. It means a lot to me 🙂
These two quotes got me through a large part of the boys early childhood when I had a hysterectomy and a double mastectomy.
There is no one way to be the perfect Mother, but there are millions of ways to be a good one!” – Jill Churchill
“Being Happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect, It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections” – Gerard Way
I am THE PERFECT parent for my boys and you know what I am an imperfect parent, in an imperfect world, http://www.muminthemadhouse.com/2012/10/09/imperfect-parenting-in-an-imperfect-world/
You need to look after yourself to be able to be there for the kids long term. I am so pleased that you are on the road to recovery and one thing that this will teach you is that the small stuff really matters. YOU REALLY MATTER TOO.
Love everything you said Jen! Thank you for sharing. Looking forward to reading your piece 🙂 My what a journey you have been on!
You are VERY strong and taking care of yourself IS taking care of your children. That is what so many moms need to see. And that imperfection is what helps us overcome and be better… making our children better. This got me all emotional this morning – sending you lots of virtual hugs. <3
Thank you so much Kara! Your words mean a lot to me. This past week has taught me so much and for that I am grateful.
you have always been a inspiration to me! I cried while reading this and realized I’m doing the same…I cringe at certain fb posts people make and compare myself to others pictures that they post of their mansions, perfect lives, etc etc. I’m going to listen to my body and slow down. I had belly button hernia and it’s acting up again after j had surgery last year. I think I need to stop blogging just so I can focus on my health and kids too. Thank you for speaking out. I don’t feel alone. Feel better!! Xo
Big hugs! If you slow down after reading this I will feel so happy!!! You are an amazing mom. Let us both take a break together 🙂
Thank you for sharing Meredith. I cried reading your story. You really made me stop and think about the way I’m living my life. I thank you for the inspiration. I’m sending you positive thoughts.
You’re so welcome Amy. I feel the positive energy. If my story does one thing, I hope it gives everyone the invitation to stop and care for yourself each and every day. Be a little selfish. Be a little frivolous. And if all else fails eat some amazing chocolate. Miss you friend.