There are many aspects of my journey to becoming a mother that did not go as planned- the pregnancy loss, infertility, treatment after treatment, difficult births and premature infants- but there is one part that will warm my heart forever, breastfeeding my children. I originally wrote a piece about our breastfeeding story, Breastfeeding My Toddlers, where I share my personal feelings as well as the outside pressures to wean my girls earlier than any of us were ready. When I wrote the piece 6 months ago it truly felt like they may never stop breastfeeding. Admittedly I had slight panics about this, but I really wanted to give my daughters a chance to naturally wean themselves. These two amazing girls are my last babies and for the first time in my life I am not in a rush.
I am not in a rush to send them to school. I am not in a rush for them to always sleep through the night (though always excited on the nights that happens). I am not in a rush to find a “new job”. I was not in a rush to get them to stop breastfeeding. And so for the past 2 years 7 months my girls continued to breastfeed.
About 6 months ago I began to limit the times they could breastfeed- morning, nap and night. I loved these moments to quietly reconnect after the inevitably hectic days of raising three small children. Slowly I limited the amount of time we breastfed and watched for any cues that the transition was too much for them. One night my daughter Luca said “I don’t need any mama milkie, you can give it to baby Riley (my cousin’s baby).” It was a bittersweet moment for me, watching my daughter grow up before my eyes and begin to find her independence. She would take back that decision a day later and every few days breastfeed, but she had begun to naturally wean. About a month ago if the girls did not ask to breastfeed I didn’t mention it. Some days they would nurse, others not. When they hadn’t mentioned it in a few days I decided it was time to say goodbye. A few days ago Charlotte was overly tired and asked to nurse. I said my milk was all gone and she was fine. She asked to read and rock. Our relationship transitioned and we find comfort in other ways.
I use to look at this time period with sadness. I never envisioned being a mother to little ones for such a short period of time. Recently I took a few photos of my children that changed my perspective. As I was reading to my children in bed my son casually tandem breastfed two of his stuffed animals. Luca always breastfeeds her dolls before covering them with blankets. My daughter breastfed a stuffed animal while pushing a baby in her stroller down the street. It struck me that though we no longer breastfeed I have given them the profound gift of a breastfeeding culture.
When my children are grown I hope that I will be there to support them as they create their own families’ breastfeeding culture. I hope my son will have gained a sensitivity from watching me breastfeed his sisters. I hope as my daughters breastfeed their dolls this will translate into nursing their babies if they become mothers. Yesterday as I watched my daughter casually breastfeed while pushing a stroller I was in awe of how the everyday moments I give my children have helped mold who they are becoming and who they will be. Someday in the dark tired hours my children will hold their babies close, a smile warming their faces and realize the same thing.
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