I am not the same woman who entered a hospital three years ago terrified to give birth to her daughters. My daughters transformed me. I am everything I am because of them.
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Three years ago I gave birth to my twin daughters born a couple days shy of 34 weeks. They were tiny. Hooked up to tubes. And when I finally had the chance to see them 10 hours after giving birth I had no idea which NICU babies were mine. I could not recognize my babies. I could not recognize my babies. I turned to my husband, “Which ones are mine?” I felt miserable having to ask. They pointed me towards this little creature. She didn’t look like a baby. So small I could see through her skin. The tubes, the splint on her arm, the plastic barrier between us- it was all so unnatural. Can I touch her? Can I hold her? I was so scared. The nurse took Luca out of her isolette and I gingerly held my daughter. My daughter.
Giving birth to twins was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We cried. I screamed in anger. Said things I regret. Made my two year old son grow up faster than he should have.
But then this happened
And this
And this
And I smiled. We were whole. Luca and Charlotte made us the family we were always supposed to be. Quinn, Luca and Charlotte have forever friends. I am a mother. The struggles of loss and infertility will always be with me to support others and grow, but I am whole.
